Monday, 22 September 2014

Bilawal Bhutto- This one's for you.

Dear Cutie pie(Hate using these words), 

You know as much as I would like to praise your looks, I can't get myself to do it. You must be cute to a few but your fan following is 10 times lesser than Rahul Gandhi. So, you know where you're heading to. Good looks won’t win you elections. 

See the similarity? 

I watched your video thrice- not because I admire your looks (I don’t!)- but because your voice is incomprehensible. I mean, my 12 year old cousin can speak better than that. You think shouting with all that fake enthusiasm when your voice is shaking like crazy- “lawenge lawenge Kashmir lawenge.” You thought India will be scared and it will create a storm? FYI, it created a storm – in a teacup.

Kashmir Kahan se lawenge bhaiya? Kidhar se? Jaago- Savera ho gaya hai!

I am assuming that you wanted to start off your career with remarks like those. Poor move- kid! It shows off your immature attitude. Jaao ghar jaao apne – khaana vaana khaao ! 
Junior Bhutto G! Namaste!

Look at your eyes- Sleep deprived. Hear your voice- Testosterone deprived.

Do you know that your voice didn't even reach Modi Ji's ears'. You will have to shout harder!

Acha chalo, don't feel so bad chotu.. Not everyone gets what they want. I want to be like Priyanka Chopra (pioneer in every field), KKR wants to be the PM, Malika Sherawat wants to marry Modi Ji, Rakhi Sawant wants to marry Ramdev Baba. Some things are unattainable.

You can't get everything you want, bache. I know that you like to have things that aren't yours and that belongs to others- like the one you had an affair with. She is a married woman, older than you and belongs to someone else. 
You don't get what isn't yours.

Now don't cry .. You've got the money, the power. Go have fun, live your life. And, try to find some achievable dreams. Your life has just started. 

And about Kashmir- Trust me, you will fly around in the Milky way for the rest of your life even if Modi ji will just whiff you. 'Ek phoonk' and you will vanish.

PS- India is a giving country. You are welcome here. You have two options-

  1. Come try your luck in Bollywood and who knows, you may even win some awards. Idiot Award, perhaps?
  2. I Read here that you have studied British History from Oxford? Try for a teaching job in Delhi University, may be? Alternatively, UGC has listed a few fake universities today- I'm sure, you will get a job there, at least! 

Because- Bhaiya... Kashmir toh nahi milega aapko.

You can thank me later to give you career options :P. Abhi save yourself from TOI. They might put the spotlight on you and crack butt jokes. That is trouble. 

Chalo run home now.

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